Endroit (endroit) wrote,

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the Setting Sun that Glows the Mind


I haven't updated this in about two months. I wish I could say that I've been busy. but I haven't and the handful of people that reads this have left me comments asking if I'm still alive. its not to say I don't go on this site at all. not the truth. I still read everyone's livejournals everyday from gordianknot to datingxperiment, etc. but truthfully nothing has really engaged me in myself to want to write about myself and at times I'm often trying to figure what I want to write about.

I mean, do people actually like hearing about my personal life? I know the purpose of this blog is to write about oneself, I guess and not really care if anyone else cares bc quite frankly, this is a personal experience and a personal narrative. so I guess with that I will write about the breakdown of the summer.

starting with June...

the Month of June:

when the beginning of the month began, I had high hopes and somewhat dashed hopes for the summer. I thought for sure that I would find 'the one.' as cliche as that sounds, I've been single for two years. and while that isn't a terrible long time and while I'm not longing for a mate, truthfully, at times the very idea of having to be attached to someone else can be distracting to me and I feel like I'm better off alone. but the fact that I had these summmer resolution like a drunk at new years feeling like 'this year will be the year.' I did little else besides searching out for new people or someone to meet. unfortunately, I've come to realize for all the hype of San Francisco being a singles capital and a wonderful place for people meeting people, I've come to realize this is only really true if you're a woman from the Marina or a homosexual male. bc for a straight male, it isn't easy. for its never been easy to meet someone.

but this is besides the point of this post. but as the month began, I thought, I will meet someone, I will work hard and I will go to summmer school. I did only one of those things. I worked hard. but I didn't get into the class I want and took an online class instead as an elective. but I still don't have the core done. and I won't even after this fall bc I found out I didn't even make the cut. But June held a lot of moments. While most nights were spent working and the days were spent in a lazy haze underneath the grey clouds of a city that doesn't know the word 'summer' I still had a considerable amount of mirth for a guy who had really nothing to do at all. I made the most of what little I had and what friends I could tolerate.

yet June abated something more unusual. the affairs of my friends and their liasons with others proved to be the storytelling feature of the summer. my mutual interest, I introduced two friends, Steve and Nicole, into each others lives, thinking, they would be a good fit. and in the beginning, I was right. they actually met eachother on St. Patrick's Day but at the time, Steve was seeing someone else and wasn't really interested in meeting anyone else. so she went unnoticed until I brought it back up to the attention of Steve again, who was slowly working himself back into my good graces after dropping out of the birthday celebrations for no apparent good reason.

As Steve and Nicole talked and hung out, something seem to spark. one drunken night, I encouraged Nicole to text Steve. and Steve, replied, quickly. and they began a texting, punch-drunk love soon thereafter. throughout the month of June, they visited and made feeble attempts on a cold war of a 'you blink first then we'll see whose in control' type of dance. its sad but true. yet the two of them weren't the most interesting drama of them all, not with Molly's fall from grace from her intense infatuation with my roommate starting to hit its breaking point and seeing Justin lose moral standing amongst all of his friends. it was all a very complicated month to be seeing everyone have all of their 'problems' yet, I simply didn't have any of my own. I've come to find out, I never have much and most of the times, I simply don't have it in me to tell them what troubles me bc I know the conversation will always return to being about something else thats far more interesting. so there really is no point in telling them.

and like last month, I was always expected to listen and never really talked.

I also started seeing someone albeit, very briefly. this simply didn't work out. as much as I wish it did. I saw far too many warning signs and new it was simply for the best that we didn't make this happen. on the surface, she's quite a good fit. social, funny, smart (she got her undergraduate degree from Johns Hopkins Medical School) and focused. she was in many ways the many attributes I liked in a woman. and she adored me. complimented me on everything from my 'doll shaped' lips, to my hands and the way my voice carries in excitement, she knew how to make me feel like a million dollars.

but she was confusing. and at many times, I simply felt I was a stop-gap for something better for her. she would tell me on many occasions that I shouldn't fall for her, and I shouldn't get too attached to her. I took this literally and pointed out to her that I don't fall hard and distance myself emotionally in the beginning to not be attached. apparently, this wasn't what she wanted to hear pulsate from my lips.

she also said other things that simply weren't appealing later on. the list is long. after hearing my friends in the background, she declared that 'she probably wouldn't get along with my friends.' bc she heard them talking about their first wives club problems. she also declared on many occasions that she was having reservations about me. what these were, I was confused bc often times they were things she said she liked about me. but she told me she was needing to have building blocks for a future. and this was the first alarm bell and the first of my suspicions and with her friends engaged and others married and others living together, I could simply see the heat was on for her to join the crowd and not be the old maid of the group.

that nite, set off a flurry and I was left more confused by it all. finally one morning, I woke up to one more conversation of her having 'doubts' about me and something in me cut the strings holding up my heart. it sank and drowned after hearing that she had plan to go to canada to have a short romantic rendez-vous with her ex. to me, that was it. I told her it was okay. but it wasn't. I wasn't jealous. just dumbfounded as to why she would say this other than to get rid of me. and it worked.

yet, she sooned texted and emailed me in a flurry. hoping for me to stick around but I decided to detach myself from the whole thing. and slowly, I did. I only saw her once more after that to see if anything could salvaged from it all. the lunch went well but the key moment was when we were walking closer to her work and she simply didn't want to be seen holding hands with me in front of people. that was the final moment and after that, I was resigned. she simply wasn't that interested. if she were, she wouldn't have said the things she had said about me and she wouldn't have acted the way she did.

unfortunately, this story wasn't as one sided. I could've acted differently in ending it. instead of simply just cutting out and not leaving a word behind me except the small silouette shadow shaped like a question mark. but for the most part, there wasn't much to add. it was simply over. do I regret it? no, not at all. she's a wonderful person. but we simply put, didn't mesh. she wants things I can't give her and has certain expectations, I knew I could never meet. that isn't a terrible thing. its just life. you don't always fit the box that is built.

I hold no ill will and if I saw her, I wouldn't avoid her. I had fun and she's really great. she's going to be very successful. but we're just not each others type. said sadly.

yet the month of June was simply settling down for an even more dramatic July. you figure by my age things like this should be going away. but they're not. it seems the older we get and the more free time we have on our hands, its simply getting worse. unprepared emotionally for growing up, everyone reverts back to their childhood and adolescent trends that kept interesting in those years and are bringing them back like a hipster who loves retro trends and intends to be seen in them simply to stand out.

yet for all the twists and turns of June. from my friends graduating, to people from NY visiting. the end of the month, simply lumps over into July portion.


the end of June/July would be the beginning of this markers.

toward the end of June, my roommate would surprise me at work by saying he was going out with Moses and a few of his friends from out of town and the rest of the crew at Zeitgeist. as I made my slow jaunt from exhausted work night, I careened around the corner and saw a rather huge mass of people. a sprinkle of people I simply didn't recognize. that sprinkle of people would prove to be the highlight of my summer. as I sat down, I didn't say anything to these three people. I didn't know who they were with and they weren't really saying a word. so I continued to make an arse out of myself in front of them bc I was delirious from an exhasting night and there are times when I'm just in the mood to let out and bellow the frustrations I had with sarcasm and bellicose behavior.

As Moses ascended to give me a hug, he introduced me to his two friends and ex-gf. Mara, Paola and Gabirella. I'm not going to lie, when I first met them, I was a bit dumbfounded and intrigued. I simply thought we had situated ourselves on accident between three women. as Mara and Paola introduced themselves, I couldn't hear them and it wasn't until we got home that I heard what their real names were. Mara introduced herself and then inquisitively asked me about my life and my story. I found out they were visiting from NY with no real plan and no real guide except that they had planned to be in each city for a certain amount of days and were going to wing it from there. now, having just recently hosted some other strangers, I conferred with Justin that they should stay with us. if I were in their situation (I have been), I would hope someone would do the same.

as they muddled through their options, they decided to opt to stay with us. for their part, I decided, I would try my hardest to show them the sights, sounds and citizens of my hometown. I took a few days off and drove them up to Napa. it was a plainly hot day and we were only able to make to four wineries. after about the third one the exhaustion was evident on their saturine faces and we decided we had to make haste to Berkeley to drop them off for their night out at a tree house. when Justin and I saw this place, we decided that they wouldn't be there long and it made our small apartment look like the ritz. so clearly, we were right. while they said it wasn't bad staying there, we knew it wasn't good either. but its an experience, nonetheless. as they returned to us later that evening, we took them out to Eagle's, so that they could see our neighborhood bar and just relax while they were here.

the next few days was spent shuttling around the city and taking them to the Ins and Outs of certain views and certain districts of the city. they ate at all of my favorite spots from Citrus Club, Sai Jai Thai, Bisap Baobob, Guerro's Sandwich Shop, HIME Japanese Restaurant, El Buritto Expresso, Pancho Villas, Mitchell's Ice Creamshop, Steps of Rome, Justin's own homecooked meal, Boulevard Cafe, etc. I took them everywhere and in all such ways possible, without nary a complaint. it was simply put, a lot of fun. as we begged for them to stay longer and avoid leaving us, Justin and I knew that the fun couldn't last. and these two were simply a lot of fun. I've never met a pair I actually enjoyed and looked forward to and developed one of those strange 'friend-crush' types on. where all you want to do is hang out with them in a platonic sense.

we took them to Popscene as well, where they could see and develope their own sense of pretension in San Francisco. While it might not be NY, it was simply put, an interesting experience. we got there early and left there early. the last nite, I had to work and I got off as early as I could. I took them to my favorite bar, UpTown. by the time, they were inheibriated from their night out with a friend who lived in SF. Paola is all over the place and just so wildly funny, with many off the wall remarks. Mara in and of herself is already a jocose person without becoming fully fescennine or ribald in her remarks and yet ever equiped with a quick sense of wit. so deftly adroit with her words and perspicaciously in her oberservations of others, it was hilarious to see it unfold even more so when she was in a bit of a toxic state.

but the two of them left our apartment and Justin and I remarked how empty it felt without the two of them there, after being fixtures for 8 days. as they left, July came forth and they went off to Portland where they mounted Helen and visited my sister up in Seattle for a night during the Fourth of July. where I believed they had fun. apparently one of the dogs peed on them but I dunno. it was funny to hear them complain about the weather of the west coast though. so much for the stereotype of surf, sun and parties. but thats SF.

as they left, the skies cleared and Fourth of July rang true near the corner. Steve and Nicole blossumed forward with thier relationship and quickly started to come to the fro. We had a marvelous albeit low key party in Chez Whipple. Where we had BBQ and Beers. Talked about the menial topics of the day and questioned eachother on whom would be chosen as Barack Obama's VP. We ended up all being wrong with the exception of Steve, who always felt it was going to be Biden. I had inkling it might've been Richardson. But I was wrong, again.

the next day, we all participated in going to the Giants game. It was a night game where we all had tickets and sat in seperate seats. the night gave way to me with the sickness where I departed home for a bit only to remerge later at the bar and join the rest of the crowd which had quickly turn into one woman, Nicole and seven guys. Not that there was anything wrong with that but our once large crowd became rather small.

the game in of itself was grand. Barry Zito returned to his old form, for just one nite and the Giants won a tense game that went back and forth. surprisingly, Giants won. It was a rather interesting night. the rest of July was meant kicking a friend off of his crutches and helping him explore a world without a girlfriend. after he had admitted to have outside relations with a friend and told her he simply put, couldn't do it anymore. he was back to square one. and it was steadfast too.

Justin spiraled down in July. it was alarming to see the pace of it all. the weeks and nights passed by with gyms, sandwiches, friends and a visit to Sacramento. not much of any detail to be entertaining you with. as July nights turned into August, the days all meshed together forming a single summer that simply bled together and left me with no adventures or tall tales to write about for once. my dreams of making a roadtrip were once again dashed due to friends remaining non-committal and lacking any desire except for the self-serving one they attested for leaving only Donald and I as the only ones who wanted to make the journey but had no place to stay. I guess if I have tonite off I should set recourse and head off to Santa Cruz but it would be much more of an adventure if we were to drive off to someplace like, LA? why not? I don't have class until tuesday. everyone has monday off. what else would there be to do?

September approaches and the time will come when I ask Papa Bear for a favor. employment. possibly. but we'll see.

I planning on going somewhere. well, I have to. I have elevate credit and I might have to use it soon. I would like to go to Boston. I haven't been since I was a child. it would be rather nice to see the city as the leaves change colors and the foilage moves from green to autumn and actually occasion myself to such picturesque beauty for once. it would be far removed from the chilly falls that permeates the falls of Sacramento or the Indian Summer that is Fall in San Francisco. Where everyone heads to the beach and everyone wears a t shirt. the giants games become bareable and the rest of the city snatches up the sales for a winter of discontent and malcontent. as those driven to singlehood for another cold and lonely winter brace themselves with shopping, drinking and get togethers on date nights.

oh what a world my parents gave me!
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