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Friday, November 18th, 2011
3:19 pm - Also
I went outside to go get my mail in my underwear and at that same moment, it started to rain. Apparently, Mother Nature didn't like what she saw and cried.

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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
3:30 pm - its been a long time
sorry its been so long.

I need to update this more often.

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Thursday, April 16th, 2009
4:10 pm - Play Off Hockey Siblings

current mood: thankful

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Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
12:08 pm - the posits of two sides of the coin.
saturday nite. I fell into a deep hole. I basically drank myself to oblivion and proceeded to black out in public and spent sunday, for the better part, not trying to vomit all day. I dunno why I was triggered to such an outbreak of such pejorative behavior that I couldn't handle.

I'm sure the week I had last week really isn't that big of a deal but for me, it seem to be one of the worse I've experienced where I was hoping the new year could be the touchstone to something better. that doesn't mean I live on low hopes and traduce the wishes and hopes I began the year with. no, not at all.

the memory will just add to another nocent wound to my otherwise regular life.

Saturday started out with drinks and intent to have fun. but as the night progressed, something in me, decided that I did not want to remember the nite at all. the week I had previously, was emotionally devasting. I know its a loaded word to use but at the time, I felt a bit wounded by it all.

I know go into the details but rejection and helplessness were the themes of five events that pretty much threw me down in a whirlwind of fits. and rage. its easy to point out that many of these things can be fixed. but unfortunately, money is tight. one of my roommates still has no job and couldn't even afford to pay me the full rent and the utilities, therefore leaving me once again having to foot the bill. he plays video games. I work and tirelessly look for a job. a second job. my eyes hurt from staring at a computer screen for 7 hours a day. and emailing endless places looking for a job. from craigslist to monster to monstertrak to looking up job fairs and trying to find the listings to every major company listed in the bay area as far south as san jose. I look at Careerbuilder every day and send out resumes after resume. re work cover letters and try to find anywhere I can for employment opportunities.

I wish I could sleep till noon, play video games and read graphic novels. but I am far too desperate. I dunno how much longer I can keep paying more and more for the share. I did it all summer and lost $2,400 in the process. money, I should still have if it weren't for the month of June that drained me of all of my financial resources.

this is one of my problems. the other. was a more emotional thing. I kept it bottled up. but I really just wanted to say every obscenity I could think of. three rejections in 48 hours was difficult to handle. everyone around me knew I had an awful week. monday, tuesday and wednesday were difficult times to deal with.

but things will be okay I think. I hope. I work the next four days straight. so hopefully things will righten. I need to turn a page.

the band is shaping up. its my one high hope. my only problem is the ridiculous process of the band name.

to me, its non-issue. the name of the band isn't worth a bucket of warm spit. the music speaks for itself. the singer and bassist are all looking at names with 'meaning' and 'marketability' to me this all reeks of something underhanded and for the most part, I really don't care. we could be name THomas the Train and it wouldn't matter to me. if people hear the music.

to them, they're all about the first impression. thinking the name needs to trigger a curiosity and an interest that most people need to be enthralled by the name before deciding to listen to the song. I don't quite see it that way.

the name itself that I chose, its easy. it has a facsimile look to it that strikes curiosity and mis pronouncement all in one when one can easy look at it and see that they could pronounce it any way they want. how many other bands out there have ridiculous names and have made it big? a lot. so many.

the songs themselves have brought up something much more up to date.

Joe and I have about 16 songs total between the two of us. at the moment the only thing irks me the slow pace of the lyrics and bass accompaniment. while I'll try to write lyrics for the most part each song sounds like the harmony of something different or wildly out there.

at the moment. songs we have at completion are the following:

With All Those Miles To Go: this song I based off of a Robert Frost poem I once read. I was thinking of a melody to accompany the poem and voila! there came that song. its a rather wistful pop melody with a striking movement of chords that is played in my favorite key: E! I love the key of E. if I could write all of my songs in it, I would. but the song is our go to song. its pretty easy melodic and you can dance/rock out to it. its my favorite little foot stomper. and always will be.

Coverage and Factors this one of my least favorites. its a bit too fast and ultimately, it hurts my hands to play it. its a very high energy song but the harmony that I've heard, I'm not all that enthralled by. to me, as a stand alone instrumental, its already got strength to it. but we'll see. I've have not heard it all at once with a full band and microphone. so maybe it'll be different. it seems to be Joe's gem of the beginning sessions.

On the Roof Top I wasn't really into it in the beginning but when I heard a reworked verison, it quickly became one of my personal favorites of the band. it reminds me of Manic Street Preachers with its fast distortion laden, heavy on low notes on the scale and its somewhat danceability factor into it. I think it'll quickly become one of our openers and if I had to choose, it would be one of the lead songs on our eventual recordings.

Translation this one is my favorite. I dunno if its because it sounds like a song that the Walkmen wrote with Stan Getz and Astrid Gilberto or bc it sounds like some CSS wish they wrote. but there's a very happy melody to it that makes me dream of high school nites and the youth I wish I invested more into that I wasn't eager to leave behind.

Tawny I know this song is playing with fire. while my backers will note I wrote the song in November after I first met her. many others will think that I wrote it as a song to make a statement about a certain half asian woman I know by the name of tawny. This song is apparently the band favorite at the moment. anthemic and soaring all in one, its part Coldplay's 'the Scientist' part Arcade Fire 'Rebellion' and most Idlewild 'American English' in one single song. lyrically, its bittersweet. and mostly about a fantasy involving packing up and leaving for new york city. and leaving it all behind. I know what I was doing when I wrote it. but when we played the finished product last nite, I was keenly surprised by the two versions we came up with. we did an acoustic version of the song and we did a full band live version of the song. both sound terrific. each left a smile that God would leave across one's face.

on the backburner: we've got a radiohead-esque 'street spirit' song that Joe has been languishly writing for quite awhile and we've got two more fast movers and shakers that I am eager to finish up writing but I am currently reaching a deadlock on at the moment. mostly because each song sounds too similar to each other. there's the country stomper song I want to complete but I am meeting opposition to at the moment. some feel its too simple others feel it feels too much like a filler song. which is what it is.

I dunno else to say. but thats it for now.

current mood: thankful

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Thursday, December 25th, 2008
1:20 pm - The Best Songs of 2008
in no order:

Republic Tigers, the - Buildings and Mountains
Blakes, the - Commit
Pas/Cal - You Were Too Old For Me
Weeks, the - Buttons
Thao - Bags of Hammers
Mates of State - Get Better
Grand Archives - Sleep Driving
Final Fantasy - the Butcher
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
Why? - Fatalist Palmistry
Jamie Lidell - All I Wanna Do
Love is All - Make Out Fall Out Make up
Tv on the Radio - Crying
Frieghtened Rabbit - The Leper
Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
Goldfrapp - A&E
Rihanna - Dont Stop the Music
Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone
Crystal Castles - Vanished
Kayne West - Streetlights
Deerhunter - Never Stops
Sigur Ros - inní mér syngur vitleysingur
MGMT - Electric Feel
Jay Reatard - See/Saw
Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes
Hercules and the Love Affiar - Hercules Theme
Chairlift - Bruises
Noah & the Whale - Five Years Time
Black Kids - I'm Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend to Dance With You
Bridges, the - Pieces
Coconut Records - West Coas
Neon Neon - Steel My Girl
Duffy - Warwick Avenue
Submarines, the - You, Me & Bourgeoise
Death Cab for Cutie - Grapevine Fires
Katie Herzig - Hologram
Tilly & the Wall - Pot Keetle Black
Darker My Love - Two Ways Out
Coldplay - Viva La Viva
Jolie Holland - Mexico City
She & Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - All I Want For Christmas!
Ting Tings, the - Shut Up and Let Me Go!
Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan - Come On Over (Turn Me On
Bon Iver - Skinny Love
British Sea Power - Waving Flags
Semi-Finalists - You Said
My Morning Jacket - I'm Amazed
Priscilla Ahn - Dream
Jenny Lewis - Godspeed
Rachel Yamagata - Elephant
Miles Anthony Benjamin Robinson - Buriedfed
Islands - Arms
Midlake - Van Occupanther
Helio Sequence - Lately
Wrens, the - In Turkish Waters
Oasis - the Shock of the Lightening
Jon Brion - Little Person
Whigs, the - I Never Want To Go Home
Deer Hoof - Offend Maggie
Anathallo - the River
Headlights - So Much for the Afternoon
Dears, the - Berlin Heart
Stars - A Thread Cut With A Carving Knife
David Karsten Daniels - the Knot Unties?
François Virot - Say Fiesta
Okkeril River - Lost Coastlines
Margot & Nuclear So & So's - As Tall As Cliffs
Ruby Suns - Oh, Moja
Albert Hammond, Jr. - GFC
Walkmen, the - In The New Year
Mogwai - The Sun Smells Too Loud
Department of Eagles - Teenager
Shugo Takomaru - Green Rain
Henry Clay People, the - You Can Be Timeless
Dodos - Walking
M83 - Kim & Jessie
Hot Chip - Over and Over
Cut Copy - Feel the Love
Hold Steady - Lord, I'm Discouraged

current mood: thankful

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Friday, December 19th, 2008
12:33 pm - Its A Feeling that Embraces Us in the Cold Air Christmas Joy
its funny how at Christmas time, our human nature devolve ourselves into a sign of the times.

we show our greatest potential at this time. we give way to mercy and compassion. we give way to love and the seasons. we see a small glimpse of what we are capable of for just a few short weeks where selfish convictions go by the wayside and we determine ourselves in the spirit of giving. we awaken on Christmas morning, sometimes with the giddy laughter we had as a child sometimes with the warmth of our hearts, simply applied from a smile and a sense of joy.

we have a love and sympathy for the suffering in the world. we poor our change into donations at the little red can outside the shop as a volunteer rings in the generosity with one quick swing of his or her's bell like a reindeer sleighing through on Christmas Eve. But this will all fade. Once the holidays are over that change that come over us for a brief shiny few weeks will melt away like the snow in the April. and with it, so will everything else. every year, the story ends the same. we start the year on a high note. full of dreams and acting the role of a fool as a dreamer and every year it ends the same.

thats just human nature. and thats just the way we are.

current mood: thankful

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Saturday, November 29th, 2008
4:21 pm - the worst of 2008
I'm sure to write the best and I am sure some of my friends will repeat with more hilarious.

10. The Worst Sport Team of the Year:
- the Chicago Cubs: there's no team that cockteases like a vegas showgirl than the Chicago Cubs. They bring you in and smack you across the face. why so many people devote themselves to such a team is beyond me. don't get me wrong, I am a Red Sox fan and went through my own ordeal but....they won. and have won. the Cubs, its like asking every year if she'll marry you to only receive a no. its just such a sadist relationship its best left to a De Sade Novel or greek tragedy. its undeniably.

9. The Worst Disappointment:
- The San Jose Sharks 2007-2008: I have followed this team since its inception and while I am a Bruins fan, I still follow the sharks. but last year, was the final straw. how many second rounds must one watch and resign themselves that this team lacks the gall and bravado to be a championship team. Carolina and Tampa Bay have won championships and Washington has even been to the Finals. the Sharks? not even close.

8. the worst song of the year:
- Britney Spears - Womanizer
wow. this was a hard one. there was stiff competition from anythign Soulja Boy did to Lil' Wayne, to Madonna's new single, Nickelback, Buckcherry, High School Musical, Hannah Montana, Pink's 'So What' and 'Raising McCain' to Katy Perry to my beloved Oasis. its been high crap all year long. and yes, I'll do a top ten list of terrible songs (and the best ones) of 2008. But one can only say that crappy loops and awful lyrics don't provide stimulation. its the awful. awful.

7. the worst movie of the year:
- 10,000 BC
I wish I could write a full review. but I can't. I watched 44 minutes. and yes, thats pushing it before I realized how bad it was.

6. the Show/Episode of the Year

- How I Met Your Mother

I love this show. but overall, the third season while marred with mess after mess. it was overall inconsistent and often times lacking an overall story line.

5. the Worst Book of the Year

- Thomas Friedman 'Hot, Flat and Crowded'

now I only nominate this book bc a right wing republican friend of mine loved it. therefore. its got to be awful.

4. Worst Campaign of the Year:

- John Edwards

being a former VP and Presidential nominee should have given someone valuable experience in how to run a better one. instead, people in this country to quote Chris Rock, didn't want a white guy in office so thats why Barack and Hillary were the contenders.

3. Worst Product of the Year

- the new iPod.

its ugly.

2. Worst Trend of the Year

fixies. when did riding a bike become so cool? I can put the amount it would cost to get a fixie to a new car.

1. Worst Event of the Year

- the Recession.

lets be honest. we're in a recession. so badly that college students can't get jobs. thats how bad it is. don't try and fool yourself. we're in one. but I see hope and light coming at the end of 2008. I see 2009 full of promise. full of hope. Barack Obama in 2009.

current mood: thankful

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Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
12:41 pm - torch songs and tone poems
anyways. I've been a funk. lately. I feel like a very little person. someone recently referred to me as the 'ugly one' and it shattered my confidence like no other. I'll admit. the last two years haven't been the most successful. I shouldn't measure mine agaisnt someone else but its discouraging. I've had nothing. for two years. I've been alone. and its been lonely. the battle seems very hard and trying.

on friday, a friend of mine gave me the answer I suspected about her friend. that there just isn't any interest beyond a possibly small physical one that is probably just a moment of fleeting desires for something of fulfillment to help out a need. There's been a lot of these lately. I used to feel above the fray and now, I feel like a tiny little person in a world where nobody is even aware of me. I could go on and on. and I don't think it would be noticeable.

I dunno maybe I'll find another person. maybe I won't. I've started to give up as a man. lonliness won't be cured by anyone but myself. lately, I feel like I've been in a state of a dream or a very serene nightmare. I've desired for that ever lasting search for reverie only to be let down by the revelation. often times, my confidence was being fed together by some Amniotic fluid that I am unable to hold some sort effable hold onto what I want. its quite a disaster for me lately.

in a perfect world, this band, this pursuit of love would seem to me a dream. a dream where I outlive and perform the dream in all of its glory and pitfalls but along the way, the creatures of the dark have been coming forward and creeping their way about the stage where my performance is being held.

I know I could look back at these days if I am older and think about it as a lost proposition for something more. I could wonder and wander aimlessly and think about the songs I never wrote, the play I never starred in, the painting I never began.

I don't really want to think about it. but it creeps one me. most of all I fear, in a way that could seem devastingly possible, is about the missed opportunity of a love that I never proposed to.

I could write and write this and this could be the minor key ballad of the end credits of when my show is complete. it might possibly be, about all the chances I've missed.

Life to me seems to be a never ending teasing filled with playfullness and tragedy. the tragedies are what we make of it. we remember the good and the beautiful on our death beds. those last instances, where we have a chance to die in peace with those of the ones we loved by our side, we remember in a flash all of the wonderful things in all of those little places where we would go out and play.

yet we remember the tragedy for a life time.

for me...the tragedy at the moment lies in my lonliness and fiancial peril. to me the beautiful woman with a big smile. the one I so dearly miss and have never met.

In my age of 21, I decided while living alone in apartment in the ghetto of Daly City to immerse myself in the readings of Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw. I really had no other friends except the imaginary ones I read about wondered why those adventures were not mine. there was one quote in particular, which was the basis for non-basis of this post.

You see things as they are and ask, "Why?" I dream things as they never were and ask, "Why not?"

- George Bernard Shaw

current mood: thankful

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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
3:42 pm - the year Chicago won.
forgive me if you feel I'm going to jinx this. but could this be their year?

now I only say this to you in superficial terms in terms asthetic pleasing. as I don't live in the city nor do I know of any other inter workings or interests in their local politics. I can't quoted for community trends, inward observations other than that I have read from a national level.

but I can say with some qualification is that, I believe that, this year could be their year.

the year a bi-racial president is elected and with one voice, we say to the world, that we have walked away from our past. we have moved onto into the 21st century and that together as Americans, we have shown years of progress that have finally culmulated into the first bi-racial and african american President. a man who is the essence of movement and a child of a new world order in which the color of your skin is no longer seen as the factor of your ability to delievery on promise and change. that the sins of an older generation are slowly being cleansed from the stain of our fingers and the lingering conservative nature of our conscientiousness is no longer a viable solution to the problems that face our country. that together, black, white, latino that we can extend the hands to our brothers and sisters and find a sense of opportunity for advancement and that nothing, no one and no place is ever going to hold us back. that he became who he was from an international stage and owned his craft in one of the most of racially segregated cities in America, is testament to the breaking down of barriers that were often seen as too high to climb and too hard to overcome.

and yet here he is. the first minority to ascend to the top of a presidential ticket. on the precipice of a victory in the most important election in 20 years. when historians look back at this year, they will see that when handed this opportunity, America, rose up, stood up and together, we said 'yes, we can.' when offered a chance to show to the past and declare to the future that the American dream and the american promise is still there and its not just available to the elite. but available to all.

even the Blackhawks have come back from the graveyard of sports team dynasty. with shrew drafting and a promising young core of players from their goalie to Patrick Kane to Brian Campbell, this team is lock and loaded like the Ducks team of 2007. they're young, brash and full of a glow intended only to shine in June in hoisting up Lord Stanely's Cup, the most revered trophy in sports. in a game that is played with speed and finesse this club has the options, and the depth and the team to come out on top. by adding a top of the line defenseman with suberb offensive skills like watching Tom Brady on ice, its a wonder why many others in Chicago don't see it coming. but coming, they are. and mark my words, they could be hoisting the Stanely Cup in June. with a ticker tape parade. processions in the streets and hatchets all but buried on a past that many will soon forget like an old receipt. they're ready for it. and for anyone else that stands in their way as well.

yet in the rest of the city, the population is preparing for sports in a fashion that hasn't been around since world war II. the city is quickly becoming a sports hot bed filled with teams with the potential to succeed and claim victory. its universities are creating a furor in the college sports world with competing teams and its professional level can possibly claim four championships this year. from the MLS Chicago Fire, who's spirited and passionate fans chant in unison like a choir preaching to the faithful that a championship is due and that their very own superstar, a jocose figure of a man, Blanco is far more entertaining that a shirtless Brit from Los Angelese. They are coming toward a championship.

Even the Chicago Bears are seen as possible contenders two years removed from their last Super Bowl appearance. re armed and re tooled the team is ready for it again. with menacing juggernauts in their ways, the team has improved a flaky offense and regroup and reunited a defense considered one of the best in the league. With Urlancher and co. ready to rush the gates, they're a team to be seen.

but most of all, what is Chicago without its too cursed teams? the Sox and Cubbies are seen together fighting for their baseball lives as a season hangs on in the balance. much like a horse race that goes the distance or the tortoise that runs agaisnt the hare, the Cubs and the Sox are ready for battle and are approaching the post season with a cautious optimism that can only be found in the forum of Wrigley Field. The Cubs will flirt for the first time with a championship with a team armed with a brimming confidence last seen on the idiots of the Boston Red Sox of 2004. Curses? to them, they're not even old enough to remember such a time or even have the word tattooed to their conscience. yet they bulldoze on to a finish line with very little in resistence, a team from top to bottom the darling of the league and built meticulously through trades, drafts and sacrifice. for the first time since 2003, the team is entering with high hopes and high expectations and the league is waiting for it to happen.

may this be the year that Chicago rose to its feet and said. 'yes, we can.'

current mood: loved

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Saturday, August 30th, 2008
10:07 am - the Setting Sun that Glows the Mind

I haven't updated this in about two months. I wish I could say that I've been busy. but I haven't and the handful of people that reads this have left me comments asking if I'm still alive. its not to say I don't go on this site at all. not the truth. I still read everyone's livejournals everyday from gordianknot to datingxperiment, etc. but truthfully nothing has really engaged me in myself to want to write about myself and at times I'm often trying to figure what I want to write about.

I mean, do people actually like hearing about my personal life? I know the purpose of this blog is to write about oneself, I guess and not really care if anyone else cares bc quite frankly, this is a personal experience and a personal narrative. so I guess with that I will write about the breakdown of the summer.

starting with June...

the Month of June:

when the beginning of the month began, I had high hopes and somewhat dashed hopes for the summer. I thought for sure that I would find 'the one.' as cliche as that sounds, I've been single for two years. and while that isn't a terrible long time and while I'm not longing for a mate, truthfully, at times the very idea of having to be attached to someone else can be distracting to me and I feel like I'm better off alone. but the fact that I had these summmer resolution like a drunk at new years feeling like 'this year will be the year.' I did little else besides searching out for new people or someone to meet. unfortunately, I've come to realize for all the hype of San Francisco being a singles capital and a wonderful place for people meeting people, I've come to realize this is only really true if you're a woman from the Marina or a homosexual male. bc for a straight male, it isn't easy. for its never been easy to meet someone.

but this is besides the point of this post. but as the month began, I thought, I will meet someone, I will work hard and I will go to summmer school. I did only one of those things. I worked hard. but I didn't get into the class I want and took an online class instead as an elective. but I still don't have the core done. and I won't even after this fall bc I found out I didn't even make the cut. But June held a lot of moments. While most nights were spent working and the days were spent in a lazy haze underneath the grey clouds of a city that doesn't know the word 'summer' I still had a considerable amount of mirth for a guy who had really nothing to do at all. I made the most of what little I had and what friends I could tolerate.

yet June abated something more unusual. the affairs of my friends and their liasons with others proved to be the storytelling feature of the summer. my mutual interest, I introduced two friends, Steve and Nicole, into each others lives, thinking, they would be a good fit. and in the beginning, I was right. they actually met eachother on St. Patrick's Day but at the time, Steve was seeing someone else and wasn't really interested in meeting anyone else. so she went unnoticed until I brought it back up to the attention of Steve again, who was slowly working himself back into my good graces after dropping out of the birthday celebrations for no apparent good reason.

As Steve and Nicole talked and hung out, something seem to spark. one drunken night, I encouraged Nicole to text Steve. and Steve, replied, quickly. and they began a texting, punch-drunk love soon thereafter. throughout the month of June, they visited and made feeble attempts on a cold war of a 'you blink first then we'll see whose in control' type of dance. its sad but true. yet the two of them weren't the most interesting drama of them all, not with Molly's fall from grace from her intense infatuation with my roommate starting to hit its breaking point and seeing Justin lose moral standing amongst all of his friends. it was all a very complicated month to be seeing everyone have all of their 'problems' yet, I simply didn't have any of my own. I've come to find out, I never have much and most of the times, I simply don't have it in me to tell them what troubles me bc I know the conversation will always return to being about something else thats far more interesting. so there really is no point in telling them.

and like last month, I was always expected to listen and never really talked.

I also started seeing someone albeit, very briefly. this simply didn't work out. as much as I wish it did. I saw far too many warning signs and new it was simply for the best that we didn't make this happen. on the surface, she's quite a good fit. social, funny, smart (she got her undergraduate degree from Johns Hopkins Medical School) and focused. she was in many ways the many attributes I liked in a woman. and she adored me. complimented me on everything from my 'doll shaped' lips, to my hands and the way my voice carries in excitement, she knew how to make me feel like a million dollars.

but she was confusing. and at many times, I simply felt I was a stop-gap for something better for her. she would tell me on many occasions that I shouldn't fall for her, and I shouldn't get too attached to her. I took this literally and pointed out to her that I don't fall hard and distance myself emotionally in the beginning to not be attached. apparently, this wasn't what she wanted to hear pulsate from my lips.

she also said other things that simply weren't appealing later on. the list is long. after hearing my friends in the background, she declared that 'she probably wouldn't get along with my friends.' bc she heard them talking about their first wives club problems. she also declared on many occasions that she was having reservations about me. what these were, I was confused bc often times they were things she said she liked about me. but she told me she was needing to have building blocks for a future. and this was the first alarm bell and the first of my suspicions and with her friends engaged and others married and others living together, I could simply see the heat was on for her to join the crowd and not be the old maid of the group.

that nite, set off a flurry and I was left more confused by it all. finally one morning, I woke up to one more conversation of her having 'doubts' about me and something in me cut the strings holding up my heart. it sank and drowned after hearing that she had plan to go to canada to have a short romantic rendez-vous with her ex. to me, that was it. I told her it was okay. but it wasn't. I wasn't jealous. just dumbfounded as to why she would say this other than to get rid of me. and it worked.

yet, she sooned texted and emailed me in a flurry. hoping for me to stick around but I decided to detach myself from the whole thing. and slowly, I did. I only saw her once more after that to see if anything could salvaged from it all. the lunch went well but the key moment was when we were walking closer to her work and she simply didn't want to be seen holding hands with me in front of people. that was the final moment and after that, I was resigned. she simply wasn't that interested. if she were, she wouldn't have said the things she had said about me and she wouldn't have acted the way she did.

unfortunately, this story wasn't as one sided. I could've acted differently in ending it. instead of simply just cutting out and not leaving a word behind me except the small silouette shadow shaped like a question mark. but for the most part, there wasn't much to add. it was simply over. do I regret it? no, not at all. she's a wonderful person. but we simply put, didn't mesh. she wants things I can't give her and has certain expectations, I knew I could never meet. that isn't a terrible thing. its just life. you don't always fit the box that is built.

I hold no ill will and if I saw her, I wouldn't avoid her. I had fun and she's really great. she's going to be very successful. but we're just not each others type. said sadly.

yet the month of June was simply settling down for an even more dramatic July. you figure by my age things like this should be going away. but they're not. it seems the older we get and the more free time we have on our hands, its simply getting worse. unprepared emotionally for growing up, everyone reverts back to their childhood and adolescent trends that kept interesting in those years and are bringing them back like a hipster who loves retro trends and intends to be seen in them simply to stand out.

yet for all the twists and turns of June. from my friends graduating, to people from NY visiting. the end of the month, simply lumps over into July portion.


the end of June/July would be the beginning of this markers.

toward the end of June, my roommate would surprise me at work by saying he was going out with Moses and a few of his friends from out of town and the rest of the crew at Zeitgeist. as I made my slow jaunt from exhausted work night, I careened around the corner and saw a rather huge mass of people. a sprinkle of people I simply didn't recognize. that sprinkle of people would prove to be the highlight of my summer. as I sat down, I didn't say anything to these three people. I didn't know who they were with and they weren't really saying a word. so I continued to make an arse out of myself in front of them bc I was delirious from an exhasting night and there are times when I'm just in the mood to let out and bellow the frustrations I had with sarcasm and bellicose behavior.

As Moses ascended to give me a hug, he introduced me to his two friends and ex-gf. Mara, Paola and Gabirella. I'm not going to lie, when I first met them, I was a bit dumbfounded and intrigued. I simply thought we had situated ourselves on accident between three women. as Mara and Paola introduced themselves, I couldn't hear them and it wasn't until we got home that I heard what their real names were. Mara introduced herself and then inquisitively asked me about my life and my story. I found out they were visiting from NY with no real plan and no real guide except that they had planned to be in each city for a certain amount of days and were going to wing it from there. now, having just recently hosted some other strangers, I conferred with Justin that they should stay with us. if I were in their situation (I have been), I would hope someone would do the same.

as they muddled through their options, they decided to opt to stay with us. for their part, I decided, I would try my hardest to show them the sights, sounds and citizens of my hometown. I took a few days off and drove them up to Napa. it was a plainly hot day and we were only able to make to four wineries. after about the third one the exhaustion was evident on their saturine faces and we decided we had to make haste to Berkeley to drop them off for their night out at a tree house. when Justin and I saw this place, we decided that they wouldn't be there long and it made our small apartment look like the ritz. so clearly, we were right. while they said it wasn't bad staying there, we knew it wasn't good either. but its an experience, nonetheless. as they returned to us later that evening, we took them out to Eagle's, so that they could see our neighborhood bar and just relax while they were here.

the next few days was spent shuttling around the city and taking them to the Ins and Outs of certain views and certain districts of the city. they ate at all of my favorite spots from Citrus Club, Sai Jai Thai, Bisap Baobob, Guerro's Sandwich Shop, HIME Japanese Restaurant, El Buritto Expresso, Pancho Villas, Mitchell's Ice Creamshop, Steps of Rome, Justin's own homecooked meal, Boulevard Cafe, etc. I took them everywhere and in all such ways possible, without nary a complaint. it was simply put, a lot of fun. as we begged for them to stay longer and avoid leaving us, Justin and I knew that the fun couldn't last. and these two were simply a lot of fun. I've never met a pair I actually enjoyed and looked forward to and developed one of those strange 'friend-crush' types on. where all you want to do is hang out with them in a platonic sense.

we took them to Popscene as well, where they could see and develope their own sense of pretension in San Francisco. While it might not be NY, it was simply put, an interesting experience. we got there early and left there early. the last nite, I had to work and I got off as early as I could. I took them to my favorite bar, UpTown. by the time, they were inheibriated from their night out with a friend who lived in SF. Paola is all over the place and just so wildly funny, with many off the wall remarks. Mara in and of herself is already a jocose person without becoming fully fescennine or ribald in her remarks and yet ever equiped with a quick sense of wit. so deftly adroit with her words and perspicaciously in her oberservations of others, it was hilarious to see it unfold even more so when she was in a bit of a toxic state.

but the two of them left our apartment and Justin and I remarked how empty it felt without the two of them there, after being fixtures for 8 days. as they left, July came forth and they went off to Portland where they mounted Helen and visited my sister up in Seattle for a night during the Fourth of July. where I believed they had fun. apparently one of the dogs peed on them but I dunno. it was funny to hear them complain about the weather of the west coast though. so much for the stereotype of surf, sun and parties. but thats SF.

as they left, the skies cleared and Fourth of July rang true near the corner. Steve and Nicole blossumed forward with thier relationship and quickly started to come to the fro. We had a marvelous albeit low key party in Chez Whipple. Where we had BBQ and Beers. Talked about the menial topics of the day and questioned eachother on whom would be chosen as Barack Obama's VP. We ended up all being wrong with the exception of Steve, who always felt it was going to be Biden. I had inkling it might've been Richardson. But I was wrong, again.

the next day, we all participated in going to the Giants game. It was a night game where we all had tickets and sat in seperate seats. the night gave way to me with the sickness where I departed home for a bit only to remerge later at the bar and join the rest of the crowd which had quickly turn into one woman, Nicole and seven guys. Not that there was anything wrong with that but our once large crowd became rather small.

the game in of itself was grand. Barry Zito returned to his old form, for just one nite and the Giants won a tense game that went back and forth. surprisingly, Giants won. It was a rather interesting night. the rest of July was meant kicking a friend off of his crutches and helping him explore a world without a girlfriend. after he had admitted to have outside relations with a friend and told her he simply put, couldn't do it anymore. he was back to square one. and it was steadfast too.

Justin spiraled down in July. it was alarming to see the pace of it all. the weeks and nights passed by with gyms, sandwiches, friends and a visit to Sacramento. not much of any detail to be entertaining you with. as July nights turned into August, the days all meshed together forming a single summer that simply bled together and left me with no adventures or tall tales to write about for once. my dreams of making a roadtrip were once again dashed due to friends remaining non-committal and lacking any desire except for the self-serving one they attested for leaving only Donald and I as the only ones who wanted to make the journey but had no place to stay. I guess if I have tonite off I should set recourse and head off to Santa Cruz but it would be much more of an adventure if we were to drive off to someplace like, LA? why not? I don't have class until tuesday. everyone has monday off. what else would there be to do?

September approaches and the time will come when I ask Papa Bear for a favor. employment. possibly. but we'll see.

I planning on going somewhere. well, I have to. I have elevate credit and I might have to use it soon. I would like to go to Boston. I haven't been since I was a child. it would be rather nice to see the city as the leaves change colors and the foilage moves from green to autumn and actually occasion myself to such picturesque beauty for once. it would be far removed from the chilly falls that permeates the falls of Sacramento or the Indian Summer that is Fall in San Francisco. Where everyone heads to the beach and everyone wears a t shirt. the giants games become bareable and the rest of the city snatches up the sales for a winter of discontent and malcontent. as those driven to singlehood for another cold and lonely winter brace themselves with shopping, drinking and get togethers on date nights.

oh what a world my parents gave me!

current mood: rejuvenated

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Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
12:31 am - hawaii the perfect place

current mood: content

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Saturday, May 31st, 2008
11:49 am - Sous La Soliel Dome
I haven't updated this thing in a long time.

I also realized with my thickness in regards to grammer, that its no small feat I receieved an email why I had discontinued this blog. I haven't. neglected? yes. I have. but not on purpose merely bc my thoughts and ideas have been distracted and have given way to other projects, people and personalities. its been a trying month. the month of may has been and its barely over. too many issues, tribulations and desires have been accumilating for months at the very chance to be discovered.

this is not far off. but one has to be aware. one story brings me to my mind. a story with so many twists and turns, its a wonder that anyone can ever really trace where it veered so terribly off course. of course, many know this anguishing story of love and lust. no, this story is not autobiographical but it is instead a story where the two main characters are not me at all or some sort of analogy for me. I will bore you details of my own stories later on in the post.

but as for this story. I wrote this for my final paper. I've broken it down a bit.

one day a man, heartbrokened after many months, decided to exonerate himself from his past failures and decided the time to move forward was coming. no longer loathing into self-dount and self-conscieness, he decided his time had come and he was ready to embrace a woman as a partner.

no longer could he absolve himself from trials and tribulation of a relationship or remit watchfullness to a degree that promote the most slackerish of tendency in terms of nuture and care for someone else. as early as possible, he decreed he was back in the game. at this turn of a events entered a woman. she too herself, having been badly burned decided, she would remain cautious but possibly optimistic. what was to go on? I had hardly the clue but I figured a more formal introduction could be had.

so two meet up, cautiously. the woman decides, she had been burn onced by someone who had a relationship with me and therefore, trust and faith in my prospect had to be given at arms length, as much as she wanted to submit to the alter, get down to one knee and opine for delieverence and faith, she merely couldn't bear to stomach one more. the twist of another nocent wound that would heal but eventually turn into a scar.

feeling contrite to her plight, as only I can, I decide to merely nudge but not push. while I build him up a little, a direct declaration is made on her part. she remains tutelary to her own ambitions and without hesitation, sticks to it. this is extended and worded to the man. the man, takes this at face value, and doesn't show a inch of movement in his reponse. his face weathered and worn down, had expected this wouldn't be it. the woman's response, muted as well.

they engage. what happens becomes a matter of speculation. assisted by our lively imaginations and there limited comments on the matter, none of the spectators involve are able to paint a picture of their happenings. but as quickly as it started, it was supposively over in my mind. the man meets another and decides to engage with her. seeing her as the safe and relative reliable pick of the two, he moves on. for reasons, that still remain foreign to the me, the woman, is casted to the side. a sidenote I would not know was happening. as far as I knew, it was mutual. she simply wanted no part of a committement.

but she became peccant. and she knew it. months later, there I was, shamefaced at the whole ordeal. yet, I feel exculpated. my involvement was minimal esp. as I became one of the last to figure out this mystery. unfortunately, during the interweaving months, the woman, her interest grew and grew. unknown to most espescially myself. I had not the slightest idea that a carryover was coming. not until the arrival of an old friend from the city of angels had arrived.

his arrival brought forth the sins carried from that town. attached to him. and with him, he brought forth to the masses the true speculated story. slowly. and division. camps were set up and knives were out. this would be it. for a few months. and for a few months, these division were fraught with the inability to upkeep anything. and we all became lost in the battle.

loose lips sank. and newsflash became saluted slogans and stirred the spectators into action. but this all came to pass. the woman and the man. seem to grow hardened by the day. jealously, envy, love, lust and atonement were all becoming the march toward the eventual.

and now, the man has realized the beauty, which he never considered ugly but knew that the woman sang him the music that he always loved.

the second woman and her time, are slowly coming to an end. an end, we all saw coming. no longer the safe and easy and relative one. but what will the man do? will he once again minim himself in life. its all hard to say. will the woman still take him back? will she let herself be open to such a volitale time again. while the past is no indicator what a 'she & him' could be.

we all agree on one thing.

they are best served being with eachother. very rarely do you meet two whom you know whom you believe are really meant to be. you see the looks they give and laughter they create and you realize, you could be witnessing something akin to mirabile dictu.

how does this pertain to our american values class? well, to be frank and honest, it does and it doesn't. values are placed on a pedestal in one's mind. we treasure love like the upmost saint. we all subscribe and deal with it in different ways but in some ways, love is like the quote from corinthians. it is patient and ultimately it is kind. its optimism and hope can bring even some of the most ardent pessimists to their knees and abade for nothing and a nary declination isn't even required. time came through for her, even in the most accepted of hearts. a labour of love. a battle in the trenches in which emotions could've bursted like the bombs above. but they didn't this speaks like a love lorn cross. it isn't that easy.

but the woman never abated her desire. not once. no one was allowed her to vitiate her claim to what she sought to rightfully share. even with a blemish to his record and standing, he believed was true but wasn't. they eventually, like the values of those before them, could achieve that unadulterated bliss. and again, the woman never saw a MÉALLIANCE with him. she might have in the beginning, but she didn't. she remained chacun À sa gout.

complicated further by les affaires du couer. and now he is starting to see her as the a caelo usque ad centrum. how is this. for now, hopefully, they can move forward. or as they say in latin, de integro.

if only we were all so lucky.

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Sunday, May 4th, 2008
12:28 pm - En Cada Lugar
I haven't been online in awhile. thats not true. I haven't blogged in awhile.

I'm shutting this blog down or anything. but I've got two others I should mention also. incase.


this one is more for the photogs and pictures, drawings from friends and others.


this one is more the social criticism blog.

and the LJ

will always remain my personal problems blog.

nothing more to add to this.

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Monday, April 7th, 2008
5:37 pm - the Preachers of Gawd and Non-Believers
okay I usually don't like to go on some vitriolic rant about religion, faith and beliefs but its high time and I've been seen far too many posts in all three of my blogs about this 'problem' that everyone seems to have an opinion on lately. but it seems everyone is writing in a very acerbic tone that is piercing my intellectual devotion.

now, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to accuse anyone group of being wrong or right of anything. but what really seems to be irritating me lately is the little battle going on between the two groups of 'faithfuls.'

I'm very laissez-faire when it comes to religion, much like people are in their political views. some people have beliefs that reach on both sides of the aisle that doesn't make them a Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, Realist, Progressive, Nose Picker, whatever. and I really don't like to be pigeon holed into any subtext or denomination. my parents believe I'm agnostic. so thats fine.

so I understand. I sympathize. but I also have a problem with a flood of these so called 'arguments' lately.

on the Christian side, it seems many have dedicated themselves to the preaching need to promote 'Pascal's Wager.' if you don't what it is, here's a symposia of it.

If you believe in God and you're wrong, you didn't lose anything. But if you don't believe in God and you're wrong then you will go to hell. so don't be an atheist, its just bad. just be a believer, whether you believe it or not. and you're mostly doing this as a time spender to past boredom by. but you'll die eventually. so you might as well skip that part and pick a side.

there are many flaws to this. just in the text alone. by basically stating its in your own self interest to believe in God, even if it has no consequence to your life is a bit absurd. the statement alone is meant to induce a fear and strike a promotion into the rank and file of the Christian faith. but I could deconstruct this even more but Voltaire already did enough of that and if his writings are a bit too dense then try reading Diderot's arguments against it.

I don't simply feel the need to follow. but I also believe it to be a fatally flawed logic. by forcing someone into a submission of faith completely disavows the needed tolerance that is often so flowery preach by the more liberal minded of the christian faithful.

when I approached one of these bloggers with my de spinozistic beliefs, they merely discounted me as 'not of the types they wanted.' what this meant, I had no idea but I didn't believe such an orderly reprieve would be condemned so quickly. apparently the very introduction of such thought was considered 'heretic.' which lies with my biggest problem with those of preaching faithful of christianity. this closed off belief and lack of open mindedness that has backtracked progressive individual desires and science by a few hundred years is clearly the reason why so many get turned off by it. we don't like being told what to do, even more so than someone so arrogant to make it a law. (ie: those that aren't agaisnt Ghey Marriage).

it almost seems like they like to be contrarian to any passing fade that comes their way or might even be considered a 'challenge' to their authority on the rule of the land. think about it? who's really kept back progressive ideals for the last 1,000 years? it certainly hasn't been atheists. though who knows, if they were the ones kept in power, I'm sure philosophy itself probably wouldn't be allowed to be in existence. as anyone knows, those people are just as bad at suppression of ideals contrary to their own much like the Christians were to the very harmless idea of the world being round.

and oh lord, will you please stop condemning people? stop acting like you're some benevolent understanding human being when you can barely stomach anything less than the uniform combination of belief and personality blended into one folded ideal. it borders on fascist narcissism. but thats what you strive for right? one belief under one gawd but only your interpretation right? the interpretation from one of the three books? preferably the second one, yes.

yet the even continued argument by christians that people who don't follow gawd often follow a life that lacks any moral convictions and are often of the most perilous individuals that walk the earth. trust me, this isn't the case. when's the last time you heard of a 'crazed atheist' on a rampage? beside the nutcase who wants to get rid of gawd from the pledge of allegiance, even though, if he knew history, which he doesn't obviously, then he would know it was added to merely separate us from the 'gawd-less' communists and its purpose was political. not bc the politicians in washington were meant to convert everyone. to most kids who recite it, its just a word. I didn't even think about it every morning as a child reciting it at the beginning of class. it was just something we said like a script. it didn't change my beliefs for the day other than I thought 'okay only six more hours left.'

oh and now the Atheists. to preface this, for those who are unfamiliar, this isn't labeled to all atheists as there are many different types (yes, my religious friends...much you don't like being called protestant when you're a catholic, there are many types of atheists) from the practical types to the scientific types to the anthropocentric types.

its really none of those that I feel are doing anything wrong. I mean, I agree with the pratical argument of it all. that a belief in gawd is needed for some inspiration or motivation in life isn't quite what I believe. not that I'm discounting those that are divinely inspired but I just find that gawd has no purpose in my aspirations, ambitions or happiness. nor does if there is a spiritual divine, is it concerned with the fates and actions of human beings.

the ones that irk me are the ones that rant on like Bill O'Reily at a Liberal Dinner Party. the ones that sound very much like a christian preacher with a different script. I mean, seriously, read your writing, listen to your self speak and actually think what you're doing. are you doing anything different than of the opposite of what you're fighting? no, you're not. you claim to think that you are bc you don't use gawd, fear or threats and that you're not the close minded one that you're fighting against. you're a bit wrong.

and use a better argument, for _________ sakes. I mean. something cleaver, perhaps? instead of using the argument for the existence of evil in the world or metaphysical non-evidence of its existence. if you're really that concerned about making your point than do it without conversion in your mind. bc its simply what you're extolling about to the masses you want. you want them to think what you think. otherwise, you wouldn't be making these claims and presenting this evidence.

and trust me, you've got a lot of other things you can claim than the weak willed arguments that many of you have already made. trust me, you're winning about as many points in a race like a greyhound at the Kentucky Derby. I've heard enough criticisms from both sides to make this point perfectly clear. yeah, I like my side of the argument. considered weak by atheists and christians alike bc I can't fully dedicate myself to their single uniform. bc I refuse to wear their colours. give me a fucking break.

and your use of illustrating the bad use of religion for leaders is needless. you can point out the many lunatic religious leaders but remember your belief has spawned some of the most ruthless leaders like Ataturk, Stahlin, Pol Pot and Mao Zedong. so remember, humanity has always leaders of both 'sides' that were bad. try not too claim the high road that your leaders are reasonable. as there is no such thing in this world that you claim to be apart of and are making better. for leaders have been evil too. such as.

oh man.

but in regards to both arguers:

the sad part is that all of these people are of the solipsistic variety. editing their arguments with occam's razor. trying to edit and re-edit their points through cuts and cleaver misuse like a dirty political spindoctor. musing on about how RIGHT they are and how WRONG you must be. for if you don't believe in their argument, you're a moron.

this is becoming the norm in the very highly chargin I've been reading lately from all sides. each one taking a scripts from the others and changing the tone to be far more condescending and prosaic at the same time. but each one is very blasé.

there are civilized ways about going about this and not declaring that civilization is at its nadir bc you're not following what they (you know who you are) believe in. To many Atheists, its the belief that you can't prove the physical existence of Gawd or God that is the majority of their arguments. what they don't get is that people who do believe are not basing their faith on a physical manifestation of Gawd. they simply aren't. yet stupidly, like some crazed Reverend, they enact an intricate and complicated method of manipulation like their Christian rivals and end up being the very person they are fighting. or presenting the idiotic tablets and youtube videos of some crazed reverend even though their own group is filled with such idiocy.

pressing their beliefs and preaching their will onto someone who simply has already made up their mind. Christians by very definition, the lunatic fringe especially is bad. with their awful guilt trip ridden rhetoric and threats of violent induction by historical nature and by definition are not the peaceful bunch they so claim to be.

you know what, no one really knows. there's no science to prove anything or everything that can be made. a religion of any form is an act of faith and you're just as blind to believe one person as you are to believe another person. whether you believe in God, Muhammad, Buddha, Richard Dawkins or the Toothfairy, you're still subscribing yourself to something. you still write something in that little box when you do your census form. you're still a part of something. whether you like it or not.

sure you can argue that I just made a simple argument. that people, everyone, has a belief and 'worships' things. while holding something dear doesn't necessarily constitute worship, it sure is close. unless you got some existential word or idea, if you're working, you're obviously worshiping money and power. sure, you can go on that we all do. both sides do this. see? you agree on something. now focus that something more productive. like your fantasy football team or your wife.

so I beg of you, through your own hypocrisy, christians, muslims, jews and atheists, to just shut the fuck up. neither one of is right and neither of you is wrong. I find interests in everything. I'm not saying this to make myself feel superior but the act of an enlightened mind is through keeping it open. by closing yourself off to one argument you understand why others closes themselves off to your arguments.

yet quite frankly, when you begin to preach, you begin to make others nauseous, uncomfortable and come off as nothing short of a blow hard who's desperately trying to spread their gospel to anyone who will listen. many of these people simply have made up their mind. so don't even bother. preach to the choir and debate amongst yourselves. and keep the name calling to a minimum. people wonder why there isn't peace in this world. and you people are at the very core of it.

but you know what? the proof of the existence of their argument is their burden alone. and often times when forced to prove these arguments to a skeptic already, they logically hold fast to an argument that doesn't work and can not survive. therefore, the rationalé is considered flawed by the skeptic. and the circle will go on and on. but that's just it. why? why do you care so much?

I've lately decided to subscribe to the belief of 'que sera sera' in meaning that 'whatever will be, will be.' does that mean I'm a 'weak atheist' bc I'm agnostic, according to my atheist friends? fine. I don't care. does that mean I subscribe Baruch de Spinoza's beliefs that things unfold for a reason by association of fate, according to my hardcore christian friends? sure. I don't care. I've got my beliefs. but I don't think you need to know or you even care.

so why care what others believe? you believe what you want. its your choice, gawd given or not.

current mood: content

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
10:40 am - April Fools Day
I already got pranked twice this morning. and its barely 11am.

I'm off to see the A's Vs. my beloved Red Sox at 7pm.

current mood: content

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Sunday, March 30th, 2008
11:21 am - I Just Think You're So Pleasant
very few times are we, well, us, do appreciate that we do live in a very grand and beautiful state. California with its diverse landscape accompanied with the particular brand, sets it apart from the rest. we have culture, we have mountains, foothills, beaches, a diverse population and even its own brand of cooking style.

San Francisco is a touchstone into that. heck the surrounding area from down south to Monterrey to North to Tahoe to the west of Napa and Marin to the East in the valley, it all has its own majesty to collect and recollect memories, feelings, desires and clear headed thinking.

I've only really noticed it lately. I've always basked in the pride of this state. always pronouncing myself in my travels as a citizen of California. and could tell you a plentiful amount of facts of the state and cities. I've realized I only really know the history and maps like the back of my hand to only a handful of cities in the world. San Francisco, London, Paris, Rome and Dublin. I've always had a strange interests in the history of a city.

anyways, enough of the dreamy. Spring approaches and not a moment too soon. the next two months ought to be an interesting one and starts off with this week. Boston Red Sox Vs. Oakland A's. Tuesday nite. followed by me writing this 12 page paper which I plan to start tomorrow. Lynsey's sister is visiting from the 10th through the 20th and I promised I would tour guide when I could them around the city and beyond.

May is visiting Seattle with Eleanor and Lynsey. hopefully, I can get Justin to go. then I dunno. I want to do something this summer. NYC? I dunno. I want to do something. I only have a limited window this summer of traveling. Marlène is still hopefully coming this summer. which should be entertaining but I'm also hoping my other French sister comes to visit as well. as I haven't seen her in almost over a year. hopefully she comes soon.

anyways. this post is pointless.

current mood: content

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
5:35 pm - To Be Someone
so here I go on another rant. after my blog on sex and relationships on myspace, which apparently, people actually enjoyed, I've decided to possibly tone this one down. though, if you're interested, just read the blog on my myspace. its the same thing basically but I didn't post it here, for I don't know why other than laziness.

its just one of those things where I just couldn't be bothered. so today...I feel a bit wide eyed and restless. I have nothing to study for. I finished my midterms. I have an essay due yesterday but I'm just going to turn it in friday and leave it in her box. yes, I know laziness but I can't be bothered when I still yet to begin to research the topic I have for the 12 page paper. that...I will begin this weekend. saturday will be dedicated to the task at hand. I've got a list. now, I just need to make more of it.

its about the Tet Offensive and the Media portrayal of it, impact and legacy. its fairly easy. there's plenty about it.

anyways...so this evening. will basically be about the conversations.

conversations I've been having with...people??

when it came down to it...we started debating and talking about the selection of mates and why our friends or just other people in general choose the mates we have.

there is a myriad of reason why we are attracted to whom we are attracted to and believe it or not, we do have a dating pattern. the similarities in the women I've dated and chased are vast and long. from their personalities and intelligence to their unique features and things about them that make me melt. but its ultimately a conglomart of qualities that justify the ends to the means.

for the better part of the last few weeks, I've been attracted to a woman whom I almost deem near perfect. well, to me at the least. some friends have said she does contain certain warnings. shite...she's coming over now. this song reminds me of her.

current mood: content

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Monday, March 3rd, 2008
5:28 pm - you'll see me up in the skyway
so. NoisePop. Over and Out.

I saw four shows, sold out ones where I was able to sneak my way into shows agaisnt seemingly impossible odds and the balance of the world not within my favor. okays that being a bit overdramatic but I felt the need to sensationalize this post a bit.

on thursday nite, nite one of NoisePop, we're able to get into not one, but TWO shows. We waltz through Grand Archives and their fanstastic set of 70's am gold music. as soon as the set was over, even though we had been told, that Blitzen Trapper was Sold Out, I begrudgingly made David brave the cold and tough it out in an attempt to get in. though he knew my motive for seeing the show wasn't really the show itself. but no need to elaborate on that. but eventually, my motivation caught up with me. I got lazy and depended on a friend to make/break something. it was clearly not my shining moment. but I was in satisifaction when I saw the 'other' person there. overweight and clearly unattentive. it was a small victory.

but for the most part. it moved us on nite no.2. Friday nite. I sat at my desk, looking at my computer screen when a text message was sent my way. 'you going to the show tonite? you know you want it.' and I thought...'f*** work. I'm going.' on my way there, I get a phone call, 'you know its sold out?' and I reply, 'I'll get one from a scalper.' or some trying to get rid of their tickets. what happens when I get there? a guy needing to get rid of his ticket, sells me his ticket. voila. I'm in. The show itself, while entertaining was dominated by the steely dance moves of four concert goers who felt the need to fully display their uncoordinated ballet upon me and nicole. I took it in jest but my patience clearly was wearing thin except for the commentary that Nicole and I.

saturday. I saw the Virgins. it was an awesome show. never has a lineup of bands left me so satisfied and so deaf that I didn't mind the lack of hearing that was made available after the show. there was a bit of drama. at one point, I almost left bc of how ridiculus it was getting. but I stuck it out. as I was advised to 'not let the bad guy win.' in retrospect, it was a better decision. the post-show intrigue was by far the most telling of all aspects of the nite. having to clutch her to the car and possibly push away any shenanigans that might come to entice her, it was an entertaining evening spent trying to find a cab, eating brie and bagette with italian meat in a parking lot of safeway at 3am and eventually conceding to her restive demands to be left off in the Richmond district.

on Sunday, I made into the 'She & Him.' It was a very good show. Zooey Deschanel was clearly nervous, aimlessly staring into space and barely registering a glance to the crowd. while a very cool and confident Matthew Ward ran around the stage like 50's bandstand leader crooning the crowd with bellowed wonderment as the echo's of his reverb jaggered into their country-rock songs of love and hate and country covers breathed into the ears of the crowd.

the show was short and sweet. not lingering on too long but leaving the crowd obviously wanting more. as the lights came up, I headed out with a renewed confidence that maybe, I should finally put my money where my mouth is and embark on the musical adventure I've delayed for two years. I haven't played a show since 2003. while I have every excuse not to. but for most part. I don't really write singer/songwriter music. I write music for bands. I need a drum, a bass, another guitarist. thats what I need. so I'm going to start collectively trying to find other musicians.

through my friends, I have Steve. his motivation is often questionable. to him, its a leisure. nothing he see's a future in. his talent is there. its obvious. people prefer is melodic tones of country infused rockabilly than the grounded distortion and 70's rock revival I often produce. while I can churn out the occasional soft song, for the most part, Steve is the better musician for his ability to write a playful tune that could even be appropriate for the golden age of our civilization. I prefer to hide behind an anthemic veil of Stadium Volume.

for the better part, I spent the last four days at venues. dwindling my funds and donating them to the venues of San Francisco. there are worse things to give my money to. so I'm glad. every little dollar helps keeps these places going.

I also invested myself into acquainting myself with someone new. someone, whose company I throughly enjoyed. at times, I was lost for words. nervous with sully thoughts on my own intellectual capacity to conjure up something witty. but I detest that feeling of lost of words and shy nervousness that creates one liners and uncomfortable asperse colorful remarks that sometimes clouds my thinking. hopefully, she wasn't too offended by it. I don't think so.

but you know me, filled with trepidations and an inability to communicate with new people. querulous of my inability to communicate properly. but thats just what I am.

a multi-racial, Irish musician. who's eyes of mischief according to some, belie my actually ability to get my point straight across. but I'm coy. with women esp. never really one to let it all out in the open. often playing the 'friend' card. okay this has nothing to do with what I was talking about.

let me just say. I need a drink.

current mood: content

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Thursday, February 28th, 2008
6:02 pm - Kissing Mermaids Under the Wall
tonite is a thursday nite. this time next week, I'll be arriving in Los Angeles Int'l airport. a vacation of sorts from the city for a little bit. while LA isn't ideal, it isn't the city and I think I need a mental break, so it'll be nice.

what's the plan? I dunno really. my host is a bit difficult to get a hold of and seems like a bit of a night owl. so I'll probably have to attempt to contact her at some closing time hour of the nite in hopes of actually getting a hold of her.

as she is a phone call often in the dead of nite, like a musical alarm one that leaves me awake and charmed for the morning. it'll just be nice to get away and probably come back a new found appreciation for living in the City. as we all know, LA isn't necessarily top quality living. unless you love traffic and 'bro's.'

tonite. I'm off to see Grand Archives. very excited to see them at the Independente and then I'm heading on over to see Blitzen Trapper at Bottom of the Hill. I know its very ambitious and its going to be a difficult task to make. but I'm going to try my hardest to do it. plus, there's an added incentive to going.

btw, I seen to be earning praises from people I don't feel I quite deserve. its an odd feeling. to given compliments you don't feel quite worthy of the praise. I've never been one to accept compliments in the first place, I get even a bit uncomfortable when I'm given gifts (unless it was a totally unexpected one) but for the most part, its something I've never really been able to comprehend. I don't quite see myself as above the pack. for the most part.

I try to give as much as I can. I might not be the most charitable with money but. I do try.

I've gone on a song writing rip lately. I've been penning song after song. I dunno what it is. songs that all of a sudden I like. am I ready to go back to the stage? I would prefer it with a band. I've tried to do one with Maggie May but its never materialized. I'll try. as I would prefer the duet voice of a female vocalist to these pieces.

I couldn't think of names of the songs so I named them after people bc they were written about these people. not necessarily love ballads or songs of longing but merely picturesque melodies and poems that seem to fit to them like an attractive nest for a family. what are the names of these songs?

I'll let you know when I feel like it. two N's and an L.

anyways. thats it for me.

current mood: content

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Friday, February 22nd, 2008
1:25 pm - 'till the tide creeps in
lately, I've lack a lot of confidence in things. I've been second guessing myself and at times feel like I've been falling behind categorically in everything. its been plaguing my mental health and lately, I've had a feeling of discontent wave over me.

its something I can't explain. its as though I mentally have retreated into a cave and have turned my back on the light. I dunno what's going on. and its got nothing to do with anything.

I dunno. its just a bizarre feeling. maybe its my physical and mental exhaustion after a very long week of birthday dinners, going out, parties, school and other things.

I can't.

btw, I'm off to LA aka Hell, for four days in March (6-10) to visit the Devil (tasha), so if anyone else is free and in the area, call me/text me/email me. you know people like Kyle, Emily, Veronika?

current mood: disappointed

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